Rape Me? 30 Days of Kink - Day 15

For now I'm skipping Days 13 and 14 because this one is so very timely I can't focus on any of the others until I write about it.

Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I've never considered myself an "edge player". One night I let someone I trust light me on fire and I realized then I had it in me to push personal boundaries and when I did it was exhilarating. There are times I will try something completely out of character and comfort zone just to see how I feel and what my response is. I've learned huge amounts about myself by taking risks that way. Likewise, I've never applied the word "taboo" to any kind of play, scene, or interest of mine in terms of kink. Until now.

For the past few months I've had lingering thoughts and fantasies about rape. Just using the word gives me pause. I often ask myself "Is that the right word to use? Is that really what I mean?" My heart races at the idea both because it excites and terrifies me. Brief glimpses into that energy mid-scene or during sex where I struggle and he fights back and forces me to submit to exactly what he wants only serve to increase my interest. There are moments where his actions scare me and I know by his response he sees and senses that fear and it propels us into a deeper place. But how deep? Where does it really lead? This isn't about giving submission or even being in on what's about to happen. It's about zero control- a concept I am not very familiar with.

My mind goes wild when I try and play out how it might happen and how I might respond but I find myself in such completely foreign territory I don't know where to go from here. I feel like there are questions to be asked, emotional triggers to be considered, and a serious focus on preparation for the unknown. At this point I'm reaching out to those with experience and asking questions, hoping for some wise advice and the courage to continue down this path.