Who couldn't benefit from a good cry now and then? I think I've always known the cleansing release of crying. What I never thought I'd find myself feeling is the need for physical pain resulting in that release. It still spins my head around when that very specific craving strikes. I mean who stops and thinks, "Wow, I'd love someone to inflict so much pain on me that I cry." That desire confuses me almost as much as my rape fantasies, but I don't shut them out. It was in the grips of a very deep loss that I found myself wanting this.
I have yet to specifically request this from anyone but I've been lucky enough to find myself in the right place at the right time more than once. Tonight I was driving home (where I do my best thinking) and thought about my first co-bottoming scene with K a few months back.
K and I met thanks to a very special person in our local community and I count myself lucky to call her a friend and someone I can trust. It was in her dungeon space where I found myself naked, blindfolded and covered in clothespins with twine wound back and forth between our bodies threaded through the pins.
We were facing each other. Our hands were bound and above our heads. We knew we were in the same predicament even though we couldn't see one another, and when she stepped back and said it was now up to us to free ourselves I thought I would never get through it. I thought surely I would safe. I also thought in that moment that our friend was very much like Jigsaw in the SAW movie series. I could hear "RED!" in my head but something stronger than my thoughts took over in those first seconds and I found myself taking the lead and stepping backward away from my love as the pins began to pull at our skin. It was thrilling. A complete high ran through every part of me. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell but it didn't stop me from pushing through it. Somehow I knew there was more to feel.
We reached a point where the last groups of clothespins held tight to our fleshiest bits and the only option was to yank ourselves apart. K was free first and that left two very tender spots left on me. Our dear, sadistic, and wonderful friend stood next to me and steadied me while placing her hand over my mouth as K gave the first yank. I screamed into her hand and felt something tear apart inside me. The final motion was even more painful than the last and as I felt the bits of my skin ripped free I sobbed into her hand. It felt amazing. There were far too many emotions running free in that minute and it really only was about a minute, but it felt like I'd been held under water until my lungs were about to burst and suddenly I could breathe again.
There are other triggers in my life that make me cry. Generally it's brief but enough that I feel a hint of that same release. It's good, but so far, nothing has compared to the tears I shed through physical pain in the kink setting. It makes me think and even worry a bit. I suppose at the point I'm running around parties begging people to make me cry I'll really be concerned. Until then I'm content to offer myself up to Jigsaw now and again to "play a game".
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Square Peg - Round Hole
Sometimes I feel like I'm a terrible kinkster. I don't ever fit into any category. Generally I'm alright with that but there are moments when it makes it hard to relate to people I've met, people I'd like to know better, and the local community as a whole. Worse, I worry it makes it hard to get to know me.
This past weekend we attended Thunder in the Mountains. I love the opportunity to immerse myself in a world I generally only get to be part of a few times a month. So many like-minded people and so many opportunities for learning and inspiration. There really is something for everyone. For me, it was also an opportunity to focus on what my kink means to me and how I want to better express it.
A better start to this topic might be a quick list of things my kink does NOT mean to me. It used to be easy to say "Kink is just part of my sex life." Then I started attending events. I started volunteering. I donated money to groups I cared about. I had an opinion on the local community and things that were happening within it. That aspect of my life took on a much bigger meaning than I ever thought it would and I was completely alright with it. It's at that point though that my path seems to take a sharp turn in contrast to the ones I see all around me. My relationship has zero aspect of D/s to it. I am not poly. I am not part of a house or leather family. I am as far removed from any kind of protocol as a person can be and that is by choice. I am a split right down the middle switch and can't imagine giving up either mode of play. Hell, I don't even wear kinky clothes! I know that seems silly to say but walk around a BDSM convention in a simple black dress and heels and you'll see what I mean. There is no ownership, no Sir, no Ma'am, no service, no rules. Simply love and the desire to do some truly twisted things to each other.
So what does that mean to me? It means I'm getting exactly what I want and how I want it. It means I'm walking my own path and discovering new things about myself all the time. It means that everything is subject to change and personal evolution. It means I am constantly learning and hope to never stop. It means that while your choices are not my choices, I 100% respect your choices and I hope that you can respect mine.
So how do I want to better express this? I am constantly inspired by people in the local community speaking out about their passions and opinions and encouraging people to do the same. There's a wealth of information and education to be found if you only seek it out. I can't be the only person like me. I can't be the only person who has this much self invested in kink but doesn't follow some of the more serious lifestyle ideals. So where are they? Are they intimidated like me? Do they feel uncomfortable in speaking out or being active in their community because of the stark contrast in how they live their lives and practice their kink? I know I have been. But not anymore. This is who I am. This is what I want. This is my own personal brand of kink and it suits me just fine. It's time I was a little louder about that.
This past weekend we attended Thunder in the Mountains. I love the opportunity to immerse myself in a world I generally only get to be part of a few times a month. So many like-minded people and so many opportunities for learning and inspiration. There really is something for everyone. For me, it was also an opportunity to focus on what my kink means to me and how I want to better express it.
A better start to this topic might be a quick list of things my kink does NOT mean to me. It used to be easy to say "Kink is just part of my sex life." Then I started attending events. I started volunteering. I donated money to groups I cared about. I had an opinion on the local community and things that were happening within it. That aspect of my life took on a much bigger meaning than I ever thought it would and I was completely alright with it. It's at that point though that my path seems to take a sharp turn in contrast to the ones I see all around me. My relationship has zero aspect of D/s to it. I am not poly. I am not part of a house or leather family. I am as far removed from any kind of protocol as a person can be and that is by choice. I am a split right down the middle switch and can't imagine giving up either mode of play. Hell, I don't even wear kinky clothes! I know that seems silly to say but walk around a BDSM convention in a simple black dress and heels and you'll see what I mean. There is no ownership, no Sir, no Ma'am, no service, no rules. Simply love and the desire to do some truly twisted things to each other.
So what does that mean to me? It means I'm getting exactly what I want and how I want it. It means I'm walking my own path and discovering new things about myself all the time. It means that everything is subject to change and personal evolution. It means I am constantly learning and hope to never stop. It means that while your choices are not my choices, I 100% respect your choices and I hope that you can respect mine.
So how do I want to better express this? I am constantly inspired by people in the local community speaking out about their passions and opinions and encouraging people to do the same. There's a wealth of information and education to be found if you only seek it out. I can't be the only person like me. I can't be the only person who has this much self invested in kink but doesn't follow some of the more serious lifestyle ideals. So where are they? Are they intimidated like me? Do they feel uncomfortable in speaking out or being active in their community because of the stark contrast in how they live their lives and practice their kink? I know I have been. But not anymore. This is who I am. This is what I want. This is my own personal brand of kink and it suits me just fine. It's time I was a little louder about that.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Rape Me? 30 Days of Kink - Day 15
For now I'm skipping Days 13 and 14 because this one is so very timely I can't focus on any of the others until I write about it.
Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
I've never considered myself an "edge player". One night I let someone I trust light me on fire and I realized then I had it in me to push personal boundaries and when I did it was exhilarating. There are times I will try something completely out of character and comfort zone just to see how I feel and what my response is. I've learned huge amounts about myself by taking risks that way. Likewise, I've never applied the word "taboo" to any kind of play, scene, or interest of mine in terms of kink. Until now.
For the past few months I've had lingering thoughts and fantasies about rape. Just using the word gives me pause. I often ask myself "Is that the right word to use? Is that really what I mean?" My heart races at the idea both because it excites and terrifies me. Brief glimpses into that energy mid-scene or during sex where I struggle and he fights back and forces me to submit to exactly what he wants only serve to increase my interest. There are moments where his actions scare me and I know by his response he sees and senses that fear and it propels us into a deeper place. But how deep? Where does it really lead? This isn't about giving submission or even being in on what's about to happen. It's about zero control- a concept I am not very familiar with.
My mind goes wild when I try and play out how it might happen and how I might respond but I find myself in such completely foreign territory I don't know where to go from here. I feel like there are questions to be asked, emotional triggers to be considered, and a serious focus on preparation for the unknown. At this point I'm reaching out to those with experience and asking questions, hoping for some wise advice and the courage to continue down this path.
Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
I've never considered myself an "edge player". One night I let someone I trust light me on fire and I realized then I had it in me to push personal boundaries and when I did it was exhilarating. There are times I will try something completely out of character and comfort zone just to see how I feel and what my response is. I've learned huge amounts about myself by taking risks that way. Likewise, I've never applied the word "taboo" to any kind of play, scene, or interest of mine in terms of kink. Until now.
For the past few months I've had lingering thoughts and fantasies about rape. Just using the word gives me pause. I often ask myself "Is that the right word to use? Is that really what I mean?" My heart races at the idea both because it excites and terrifies me. Brief glimpses into that energy mid-scene or during sex where I struggle and he fights back and forces me to submit to exactly what he wants only serve to increase my interest. There are moments where his actions scare me and I know by his response he sees and senses that fear and it propels us into a deeper place. But how deep? Where does it really lead? This isn't about giving submission or even being in on what's about to happen. It's about zero control- a concept I am not very familiar with.
My mind goes wild when I try and play out how it might happen and how I might respond but I find myself in such completely foreign territory I don't know where to go from here. I feel like there are questions to be asked, emotional triggers to be considered, and a serious focus on preparation for the unknown. At this point I'm reaching out to those with experience and asking questions, hoping for some wise advice and the courage to continue down this path.
Monday, March 14, 2011
30 Days of Kink! Days 11 & 12 - ethics and humor.
Doubling up to catch up!
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I want to have something deep and insightful to say here. I really do. But for me it's really simple and pretty much my ethic, moral, and personal code: Don't hurt someone unless they ask you to.
I could type for hours on what that means to me but I prefer to leave it open to interpretation.
Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.
Honestly, many of my kink experiences are funny. I can't remember the last time I didn't laugh during a scene. It's the greatest catharsis to laugh through pain. I'm blessed to be with an insanely snarky man who will keep me laughing hysterically while he beats my ass numb.
Once in a while though, something goes altogether wrong and while it may not be entirely funny at the moment it usually is in hindsight. The most recent event would have to be my most brilliant idea to bind K's cock in bondage tape. I love love love CBT and pretty much any pain or discomfort I can inflict and get away with I will jump on. I feel like a crazed artist on one too many absinthe cocktails creating my masterpiece of cords, clamps, clips, weights, and bindings. On this particular evening I thought it would be delicious torture to mummify his cock in black bondage tape and watch it swell and push against the binding as I smacked his clothespin covered balls with my hands. Awesome right?! Not so much. At least not when it's time to remove said bondage tape and you discover it just doesn't want to come off and you've not left enough space to get the safety scissors well...safely...in there. Oh the torture when I finally had to admit defeat and let him complete the painful removal process.
Funny as hell now though. Sorry honey.
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I want to have something deep and insightful to say here. I really do. But for me it's really simple and pretty much my ethic, moral, and personal code: Don't hurt someone unless they ask you to.
I could type for hours on what that means to me but I prefer to leave it open to interpretation.
Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.
Honestly, many of my kink experiences are funny. I can't remember the last time I didn't laugh during a scene. It's the greatest catharsis to laugh through pain. I'm blessed to be with an insanely snarky man who will keep me laughing hysterically while he beats my ass numb.
Once in a while though, something goes altogether wrong and while it may not be entirely funny at the moment it usually is in hindsight. The most recent event would have to be my most brilliant idea to bind K's cock in bondage tape. I love love love CBT and pretty much any pain or discomfort I can inflict and get away with I will jump on. I feel like a crazed artist on one too many absinthe cocktails creating my masterpiece of cords, clamps, clips, weights, and bindings. On this particular evening I thought it would be delicious torture to mummify his cock in black bondage tape and watch it swell and push against the binding as I smacked his clothespin covered balls with my hands. Awesome right?! Not so much. At least not when it's time to remove said bondage tape and you discover it just doesn't want to come off and you've not left enough space to get the safety scissors well...safely...in there. Oh the torture when I finally had to admit defeat and let him complete the painful removal process.
Funny as hell now though. Sorry honey.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
30 Days of Kink! Day 10 (I am the worst blogger EVER)
No it has not been 2 months since my last post! Shame! At this rate it will take me all year to get through these 30 days. Pathetic. Ok, ok...on with it.
Day 10 - What are your hard limits?
Someone I once bottomed to said "It's silly to list children and animals as hard limits because that's just too obvious." I agreed with him at the time and then I met a guy who REALLY loved his dog. So at the risk of being obvious- no kids, no animals. Yikes.
Personally, I prefer "current limits" because I participate in activities now that would have had me running for the hills a year ago. Things like medical staples on my breasts and my latest shocker- clover clamps on my labia, are things in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined I'd say yes to trying, let alone enjoying.
I'm learning that there's a certain thrill seeking part of me that enjoys that zing of fear and panic when trying something new and even more enjoys the feeling of accomplishment when it's over. It's a very physical sensation like swimming for the surface in the deep end of the pool and running out of air half a second before you reach the top. The grip of fear followed by the immediate release is just bad ass. No other way to say it.
I've got a list of things I've yet to try and a couple trusted folks just waiting for me to be brave. Might be time to jump into the deep end soon.
Day 10 - What are your hard limits?
Someone I once bottomed to said "It's silly to list children and animals as hard limits because that's just too obvious." I agreed with him at the time and then I met a guy who REALLY loved his dog. So at the risk of being obvious- no kids, no animals. Yikes.
Personally, I prefer "current limits" because I participate in activities now that would have had me running for the hills a year ago. Things like medical staples on my breasts and my latest shocker- clover clamps on my labia, are things in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined I'd say yes to trying, let alone enjoying.
I'm learning that there's a certain thrill seeking part of me that enjoys that zing of fear and panic when trying something new and even more enjoys the feeling of accomplishment when it's over. It's a very physical sensation like swimming for the surface in the deep end of the pool and running out of air half a second before you reach the top. The grip of fear followed by the immediate release is just bad ass. No other way to say it.
I've got a list of things I've yet to try and a couple trusted folks just waiting for me to be brave. Might be time to jump into the deep end soon.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
30 Days of Kink! Days 8 & 9 Oh my!
Post a kinky image you find erotic.
I've been thinking a lot about femdom this week. This picture represents the power I feel and the helplessness I get off on when I'm on top.
Taken from here
Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Hot Hot Hot
I really think this song needs no explanation.
I've been thinking a lot about femdom this week. This picture represents the power I feel and the helplessness I get off on when I'm on top.
Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Hot Hot Hot
I really think this song needs no explanation.
Monday, January 17, 2011
30 Days of Kink- Double My Pleasure Days 6 & 7
Ok I admit I'm cheating by doing these two at a time but I'm never going to get to 30 otherwise! So spank me!
Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
I don't know if this is weird but I have this scene fantasy I call Willy Wonka Kink. I picture myself tied to a table, my breasts bound and then frosted and sprinkled like cupcakes. Flogged with a licorice whip flogger, spanked with a giant lollipop and violated with one of those giant candy canes. Oh and don't forget the jawbreaker ball gag! Any takers??
What’s your favorite toy?
For personal use, my Hitachi of course. I think I'm on my third one in 10 years. Can't live without it. We haven't incorporated it into play much but I mean to change that.
For play time I'd have to say my favorite toy is my pink and purple flogger. I love to use it and have it used on me. It's cute as can be, crafted beautifully by friends, and delivers a delicious strike. It was a birthday gift at my first Thunder and I adore it.
Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
I don't know if this is weird but I have this scene fantasy I call Willy Wonka Kink. I picture myself tied to a table, my breasts bound and then frosted and sprinkled like cupcakes. Flogged with a licorice whip flogger, spanked with a giant lollipop and violated with one of those giant candy canes. Oh and don't forget the jawbreaker ball gag! Any takers??
What’s your favorite toy?
For personal use, my Hitachi of course. I think I'm on my third one in 10 years. Can't live without it. We haven't incorporated it into play much but I mean to change that.
For play time I'd have to say my favorite toy is my pink and purple flogger. I love to use it and have it used on me. It's cute as can be, crafted beautifully by friends, and delivers a delicious strike. It was a birthday gift at my first Thunder and I adore it.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
30 Days of Kink - Catching Up! Days 4 & 5
Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Believe it or not, no. At least nothing that I can think of and nothing that predates my sexual life. I've given it quite a bit of thought and while I've pretty much been an insatiable slut right from the start (I had my first threesome at 17 and was balancing multiple partners successfully by 18.), it wasn't until later in my 20's that I discovered things like biting, hair pulling, and spanking but even then in my mind that was (and still is) just part of good sex. I suppose my introduction to kink was a paradigm shift of sorts. Lucky me!
What was your first kinky sexual experience?
Well I just happen to have written a journal entry about that very night. I've never gone back to edit this even though I've shared it with a few close friends. It was the next morning and it was all so fresh in my fuzzy, exhausted mind that I love the feeling I get even now when I read it. I'm also endlessly amused by how shiny and new I sound when I'm talking about this experience and it serves as a reminder that everyone is new at some point.
March 20th
I'm sitting at my desk with a purple ass.
I met James last night. What an interesting encounter. We spent about an hour talking and he let me wander around the dungeon which is really just a room but what a room! Every inch of the walls covered in leather, chains, restraints, toys, whips, floggers, masks, collars, clamps.... then shelves of plugs, vibes, machines... it's like a huge fetish explosion. It was insanely hot. It was like Trent Reznor's version of Toys R Us. I just walked around and played with everything as he sat and watched. Every so often he'd get up and help me with something and touch me and talk to me which I was completely comfortable with. I was totally taken away by everything around me.
Then we turned up the heat a little and we started talking about spanking. I could see in his face that he was working to not just take over because I'm not submissive and I don't just give myself willingly. I'm too defiant for that. So he moved slowly but eventually he had me on my knees, skirt up around my hips (yay for cute panties), hands laced behind my head and he took a 'tawse' down off the wall. I had to hold my position and he struck me 10 times. The feeling was pure heat. That tawse was NO joke. By the tenth crack I was on fucking fire. I turned my head and shocked the hell out of him (and me) and said "Do it again." So this time he made me count backward the next 10 and thank him for every one. It was an experience like nothing else and I've certainly been spanked before! It took the breath right out of me by the time we got down to the last strike. The pain was unbelievable but I never even thought of asking him to stop. The minute he let me release my posture my whole body collapsed and I was freezing cold, sweating, numb, yet totally sensitive over my whole body ALL at once. He immediately dropped the tawse and stepped right into being this nurturing, sweet man and essentially let me "come down" while he talked to me. He said not many people could take 20 lashes of the tawse.
Then later he got out the violet wand. I have only had one brief experience and I was sooooo interested in this thing. He hooked up some attachments and just barely touched me with it. It was a lot to take after the spanking and all the reaction my body went through. But he put these metal talons on his hand, hooked himself to the wand so the current ran through his body, hit the lights and then raked these things over my skin. Purple sparks were dancing all over my skin as I'm getting these waves of shocks everywhere he touches. IT WAS SO AWESOME!! I was like a 3 year old "more more! again again!" He was completely amused at my excitement.
I was only there for a few hours. I said goodbye and in my mind I'm not even sure if I'm going to or if I should see this guy again. I'm driving home and I'm in this total trance absorbing it all. My legs were still shaking, my ass was on fire, my skin was so sensitive. Then it hit me. For the first time in months and months, I was IN a moment. I was completely and 100% immersed in where I was and what was happening with absolutely zero ability to think about anything else. It was so powerful. It was like a drug! It was by far one of the most insane and awesome sexual experiences I've ever had. And there wasn't even any sex!
So here I sit. Busy as hell, so much work, sold my old car today, have so much going on this weekend, and every once in a while I stop and focus on the pulsing heat I can feel from the brutal purple marks on my ass and I can't do anything but smile.
Believe it or not, no. At least nothing that I can think of and nothing that predates my sexual life. I've given it quite a bit of thought and while I've pretty much been an insatiable slut right from the start (I had my first threesome at 17 and was balancing multiple partners successfully by 18.), it wasn't until later in my 20's that I discovered things like biting, hair pulling, and spanking but even then in my mind that was (and still is) just part of good sex. I suppose my introduction to kink was a paradigm shift of sorts. Lucky me!
What was your first kinky sexual experience?
Well I just happen to have written a journal entry about that very night. I've never gone back to edit this even though I've shared it with a few close friends. It was the next morning and it was all so fresh in my fuzzy, exhausted mind that I love the feeling I get even now when I read it. I'm also endlessly amused by how shiny and new I sound when I'm talking about this experience and it serves as a reminder that everyone is new at some point.
March 20th
I'm sitting at my desk with a purple ass.
I met James last night. What an interesting encounter. We spent about an hour talking and he let me wander around the dungeon which is really just a room but what a room! Every inch of the walls covered in leather, chains, restraints, toys, whips, floggers, masks, collars, clamps.... then shelves of plugs, vibes, machines... it's like a huge fetish explosion. It was insanely hot. It was like Trent Reznor's version of Toys R Us. I just walked around and played with everything as he sat and watched. Every so often he'd get up and help me with something and touch me and talk to me which I was completely comfortable with. I was totally taken away by everything around me.
Then we turned up the heat a little and we started talking about spanking. I could see in his face that he was working to not just take over because I'm not submissive and I don't just give myself willingly. I'm too defiant for that. So he moved slowly but eventually he had me on my knees, skirt up around my hips (yay for cute panties), hands laced behind my head and he took a 'tawse' down off the wall. I had to hold my position and he struck me 10 times. The feeling was pure heat. That tawse was NO joke. By the tenth crack I was on fucking fire. I turned my head and shocked the hell out of him (and me) and said "Do it again." So this time he made me count backward the next 10 and thank him for every one. It was an experience like nothing else and I've certainly been spanked before! It took the breath right out of me by the time we got down to the last strike. The pain was unbelievable but I never even thought of asking him to stop. The minute he let me release my posture my whole body collapsed and I was freezing cold, sweating, numb, yet totally sensitive over my whole body ALL at once. He immediately dropped the tawse and stepped right into being this nurturing, sweet man and essentially let me "come down" while he talked to me. He said not many people could take 20 lashes of the tawse.
Then later he got out the violet wand. I have only had one brief experience and I was sooooo interested in this thing. He hooked up some attachments and just barely touched me with it. It was a lot to take after the spanking and all the reaction my body went through. But he put these metal talons on his hand, hooked himself to the wand so the current ran through his body, hit the lights and then raked these things over my skin. Purple sparks were dancing all over my skin as I'm getting these waves of shocks everywhere he touches. IT WAS SO AWESOME!! I was like a 3 year old "more more! again again!" He was completely amused at my excitement.
I was only there for a few hours. I said goodbye and in my mind I'm not even sure if I'm going to or if I should see this guy again. I'm driving home and I'm in this total trance absorbing it all. My legs were still shaking, my ass was on fire, my skin was so sensitive. Then it hit me. For the first time in months and months, I was IN a moment. I was completely and 100% immersed in where I was and what was happening with absolutely zero ability to think about anything else. It was so powerful. It was like a drug! It was by far one of the most insane and awesome sexual experiences I've ever had. And there wasn't even any sex!
So here I sit. Busy as hell, so much work, sold my old car today, have so much going on this weekend, and every once in a while I stop and focus on the pulsing heat I can feel from the brutal purple marks on my ass and I can't do anything but smile.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
30 Days of Kink- Day 3 How did you discover you were kinky?
Ooh Ooh I like this question! It allows me to call attention and give thanks to a very special person.
First, for years before I had any real grasp on what kink and bdsm were, I enjoyed what I called "rough sex". Hair pulling, spanking, biting...they were all part of my regular routine. Once, I'd taken a boyfriend's belt off and wrapped it around my throat handing him the long end to tug on as I gave him head and simply thought I was just being a little deviant. I even worked in a sex toy store for a year and while I handled handcuffs, blindfolds, ball gags, and plenty of bdsm magazines and videos it still never really sunk in. In my mind it was just sexually progressive.
On a trip to New Orleans and a drunken field trip to the local adult bookstore, I happened upon a violet wand demo. I was instantly mesmerized and when the man giving the demo saw my interest he asked if I'd like to give it a try. I loved it. I wanted one. Then he told me how much they were and I walked out sad but forever changed.
Back home I began searching for information on this crazy little contraption and learning what I could. At the same time I was enjoying a full and healthy sex life that every single girl should and by the grace of Craigslist found an ad placed by a local man who mentioned a violet wand! What are the chances?!
After the requisite "getting to know you" emails and phone conversations, and the revelation that at one time he'd been a professional dominant, we arranged to meet. I had absolutely no idea what I was in for when this man opened the door to a room in his house and suddenly I was standing in a fully outfitted dungeon. I'm going to pause that story here because it deserves its own post at a later date. But this man opened my eyes, mind, and heart to a world I never really knew existed, or rather, had never looked close enough to see. In the space of 6 months he took me on a journey of self discovery like I've never experienced before. He showed me each and every side of this jewel and never once hesitated to answer a question or give me the freedom to try something new. It was an amazing time and I will forever be thankful that our lives crossed paths when they did.
Thank you James.
First, for years before I had any real grasp on what kink and bdsm were, I enjoyed what I called "rough sex". Hair pulling, spanking, biting...they were all part of my regular routine. Once, I'd taken a boyfriend's belt off and wrapped it around my throat handing him the long end to tug on as I gave him head and simply thought I was just being a little deviant. I even worked in a sex toy store for a year and while I handled handcuffs, blindfolds, ball gags, and plenty of bdsm magazines and videos it still never really sunk in. In my mind it was just sexually progressive.
On a trip to New Orleans and a drunken field trip to the local adult bookstore, I happened upon a violet wand demo. I was instantly mesmerized and when the man giving the demo saw my interest he asked if I'd like to give it a try. I loved it. I wanted one. Then he told me how much they were and I walked out sad but forever changed.
Back home I began searching for information on this crazy little contraption and learning what I could. At the same time I was enjoying a full and healthy sex life that every single girl should and by the grace of Craigslist found an ad placed by a local man who mentioned a violet wand! What are the chances?!
After the requisite "getting to know you" emails and phone conversations, and the revelation that at one time he'd been a professional dominant, we arranged to meet. I had absolutely no idea what I was in for when this man opened the door to a room in his house and suddenly I was standing in a fully outfitted dungeon. I'm going to pause that story here because it deserves its own post at a later date. But this man opened my eyes, mind, and heart to a world I never really knew existed, or rather, had never looked close enough to see. In the space of 6 months he took me on a journey of self discovery like I've never experienced before. He showed me each and every side of this jewel and never once hesitated to answer a question or give me the freedom to try something new. It was an amazing time and I will forever be thankful that our lives crossed paths when they did.
Thank you James.
Monday, January 3, 2011
30 Days of Kink - Day 2 List Your Kinks
I suppose if you want to simply read a list of my kinks you could check out my Fetlife profile- janey-arson, but that just seems too simple and boring doesn't it?
I am a sensation slut. A sensory sponge. I was first drawn to kink via the violet wand. A chance encounter and my "Ooh shiny! Pretty!" buttons were pushed. Anything that taps all or most of my senses in one experience lights me up like a christmas tree. It just so happened as I began to explore, I discovered the addition of pain and mental stimulation only served to enhance all of my other senses.
When I mentally run through my list of favored kinks my mind doesn't produce a list of words. Instead I feel a wave of sensations- or rather the response those sensations bring forth. The distinct tingle in my bottom as I imagine a strong bare hand making contact with my ass. The deep breath as I recall the scent of candle wax or the menthol oil on my skin before fire cupping. The involuntary shiver brought forth by cold, heavy metal on my skin. The crazy, drug-like high of feeling my body encased in cling film. The biting sting of staples being pressed into my skin one by one.
Conversely, the same applies when the tables are turned. The feel of skin beneath my fingernails as I flex my inner kitty, the delightful THWAP of the riding crop or flogger when you land that perfect hit, the scent of heat that rises off a body when brought to the point of frenzy and you finally push them over.
All of these and the many others I haven't mentioned are tied to control, pain, pleasure, and emotions each in their own way. But what ties them all together and makes them mine are those sensations I crave. That craving keeps me here and begging for more.
I am a sensation slut. A sensory sponge. I was first drawn to kink via the violet wand. A chance encounter and my "Ooh shiny! Pretty!" buttons were pushed. Anything that taps all or most of my senses in one experience lights me up like a christmas tree. It just so happened as I began to explore, I discovered the addition of pain and mental stimulation only served to enhance all of my other senses.
When I mentally run through my list of favored kinks my mind doesn't produce a list of words. Instead I feel a wave of sensations- or rather the response those sensations bring forth. The distinct tingle in my bottom as I imagine a strong bare hand making contact with my ass. The deep breath as I recall the scent of candle wax or the menthol oil on my skin before fire cupping. The involuntary shiver brought forth by cold, heavy metal on my skin. The crazy, drug-like high of feeling my body encased in cling film. The biting sting of staples being pressed into my skin one by one.
Conversely, the same applies when the tables are turned. The feel of skin beneath my fingernails as I flex my inner kitty, the delightful THWAP of the riding crop or flogger when you land that perfect hit, the scent of heat that rises off a body when brought to the point of frenzy and you finally push them over.
All of these and the many others I haven't mentioned are tied to control, pain, pleasure, and emotions each in their own way. But what ties them all together and makes them mine are those sensations I crave. That craving keeps me here and begging for more.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
30 Days of Kink - Day 1
This seems like a fantastic way to kick off this blog! I learned about it from The Redheaded Slut who stole it from Voyeur on Display who got it from Insatiable Desire. It's like the kinky telephone game!
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
After reading the list of 30 topics to write about for this project, I have to say I think this first question is the most challenging for me. First, because I feel I've reached a point where I'm unsure how to define my kinky self and second because I struggle to say anything succinctly and I don't think this answer is supposed to be the length of War and Peace.
My simplest definition is switch. When I say switch I mean really, truly, cut right down the middle, don't lean one way or the other, always have my cupcake and eat it too, want it all, change on a dime, switch. I know there's deeper meaning in this title I've chosen for myself but I'm not yet able to put that into words so for now the above will have to suffice.
What parts of BDSM interest me? ALL parts! Even the ones I have zero personal interest in fascinate me because a big part of participating in the local scene for me has become observation and education. I'm in love with the fact that 10 people can share the same kink and not one of them will define it as the others have. So many opportunities to learn and experiences to share. I feel I've failed in putting myself out there to soak up those learning experiences and I mean to remedy it immediately. I struggle to reconcile all the parts of myself without feeling I must hide or sacrafice any one aspect, but I see others out there doing it and hope to gain knowledge and support from them. Then, I will truly be able to define my kinky self.
This is me.
switch·back
n.
A road, trail, or railroad track that follows a zigzag course on a steep incline.
I think that about sums it up.
This year I've made myself a promise. I've promised to spend more time with my kink self. I've promised to stop letting "life" get in the way of my interests and my passions. I've promised to do some hardcore self-examination and dig into all that makes me tick. I've promised to truly define what being a switch means to me and share it with others. And here is where I'll chronicle that journey.
You know that saying "Dance like no one is watching."? Well I write like no one is reading. I write for me but secretly hope someone out there will read and identify with even a little of what I think and feel.
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