Who couldn't benefit from a good cry now and then? I think I've always known the cleansing release of crying. What I never thought I'd find myself feeling is the need for physical pain resulting in that release. It still spins my head around when that very specific craving strikes. I mean who stops and thinks, "Wow, I'd love someone to inflict so much pain on me that I cry." That desire confuses me almost as much as my rape fantasies, but I don't shut them out. It was in the grips of a very deep loss that I found myself wanting this.
I have yet to specifically request this from anyone but I've been lucky enough to find myself in the right place at the right time more than once. Tonight I was driving home (where I do my best thinking) and thought about my first co-bottoming scene with K a few months back.
K and I met thanks to a very special person in our local community and I count myself lucky to call her a friend and someone I can trust. It was in her dungeon space where I found myself naked, blindfolded and covered in clothespins with twine wound back and forth between our bodies threaded through the pins.
We were facing each other. Our hands were bound and above our heads. We knew we were in the same predicament even though we couldn't see one another, and when she stepped back and said it was now up to us to free ourselves I thought I would never get through it. I thought surely I would safe. I also thought in that moment that our friend was very much like Jigsaw in the SAW movie series. I could hear "RED!" in my head but something stronger than my thoughts took over in those first seconds and I found myself taking the lead and stepping backward away from my love as the pins began to pull at our skin. It was thrilling. A complete high ran through every part of me. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell but it didn't stop me from pushing through it. Somehow I knew there was more to feel.
We reached a point where the last groups of clothespins held tight to our fleshiest bits and the only option was to yank ourselves apart. K was free first and that left two very tender spots left on me. Our dear, sadistic, and wonderful friend stood next to me and steadied me while placing her hand over my mouth as K gave the first yank. I screamed into her hand and felt something tear apart inside me. The final motion was even more painful than the last and as I felt the bits of my skin ripped free I sobbed into her hand. It felt amazing. There were far too many emotions running free in that minute and it really only was about a minute, but it felt like I'd been held under water until my lungs were about to burst and suddenly I could breathe again.
There are other triggers in my life that make me cry. Generally it's brief but enough that I feel a hint of that same release. It's good, but so far, nothing has compared to the tears I shed through physical pain in the kink setting. It makes me think and even worry a bit. I suppose at the point I'm running around parties begging people to make me cry I'll really be concerned. Until then I'm content to offer myself up to Jigsaw now and again to "play a game".
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Square Peg - Round Hole
Sometimes I feel like I'm a terrible kinkster. I don't ever fit into any category. Generally I'm alright with that but there are moments when it makes it hard to relate to people I've met, people I'd like to know better, and the local community as a whole. Worse, I worry it makes it hard to get to know me.
This past weekend we attended Thunder in the Mountains. I love the opportunity to immerse myself in a world I generally only get to be part of a few times a month. So many like-minded people and so many opportunities for learning and inspiration. There really is something for everyone. For me, it was also an opportunity to focus on what my kink means to me and how I want to better express it.
A better start to this topic might be a quick list of things my kink does NOT mean to me. It used to be easy to say "Kink is just part of my sex life." Then I started attending events. I started volunteering. I donated money to groups I cared about. I had an opinion on the local community and things that were happening within it. That aspect of my life took on a much bigger meaning than I ever thought it would and I was completely alright with it. It's at that point though that my path seems to take a sharp turn in contrast to the ones I see all around me. My relationship has zero aspect of D/s to it. I am not poly. I am not part of a house or leather family. I am as far removed from any kind of protocol as a person can be and that is by choice. I am a split right down the middle switch and can't imagine giving up either mode of play. Hell, I don't even wear kinky clothes! I know that seems silly to say but walk around a BDSM convention in a simple black dress and heels and you'll see what I mean. There is no ownership, no Sir, no Ma'am, no service, no rules. Simply love and the desire to do some truly twisted things to each other.
So what does that mean to me? It means I'm getting exactly what I want and how I want it. It means I'm walking my own path and discovering new things about myself all the time. It means that everything is subject to change and personal evolution. It means I am constantly learning and hope to never stop. It means that while your choices are not my choices, I 100% respect your choices and I hope that you can respect mine.
So how do I want to better express this? I am constantly inspired by people in the local community speaking out about their passions and opinions and encouraging people to do the same. There's a wealth of information and education to be found if you only seek it out. I can't be the only person like me. I can't be the only person who has this much self invested in kink but doesn't follow some of the more serious lifestyle ideals. So where are they? Are they intimidated like me? Do they feel uncomfortable in speaking out or being active in their community because of the stark contrast in how they live their lives and practice their kink? I know I have been. But not anymore. This is who I am. This is what I want. This is my own personal brand of kink and it suits me just fine. It's time I was a little louder about that.
This past weekend we attended Thunder in the Mountains. I love the opportunity to immerse myself in a world I generally only get to be part of a few times a month. So many like-minded people and so many opportunities for learning and inspiration. There really is something for everyone. For me, it was also an opportunity to focus on what my kink means to me and how I want to better express it.
A better start to this topic might be a quick list of things my kink does NOT mean to me. It used to be easy to say "Kink is just part of my sex life." Then I started attending events. I started volunteering. I donated money to groups I cared about. I had an opinion on the local community and things that were happening within it. That aspect of my life took on a much bigger meaning than I ever thought it would and I was completely alright with it. It's at that point though that my path seems to take a sharp turn in contrast to the ones I see all around me. My relationship has zero aspect of D/s to it. I am not poly. I am not part of a house or leather family. I am as far removed from any kind of protocol as a person can be and that is by choice. I am a split right down the middle switch and can't imagine giving up either mode of play. Hell, I don't even wear kinky clothes! I know that seems silly to say but walk around a BDSM convention in a simple black dress and heels and you'll see what I mean. There is no ownership, no Sir, no Ma'am, no service, no rules. Simply love and the desire to do some truly twisted things to each other.
So what does that mean to me? It means I'm getting exactly what I want and how I want it. It means I'm walking my own path and discovering new things about myself all the time. It means that everything is subject to change and personal evolution. It means I am constantly learning and hope to never stop. It means that while your choices are not my choices, I 100% respect your choices and I hope that you can respect mine.
So how do I want to better express this? I am constantly inspired by people in the local community speaking out about their passions and opinions and encouraging people to do the same. There's a wealth of information and education to be found if you only seek it out. I can't be the only person like me. I can't be the only person who has this much self invested in kink but doesn't follow some of the more serious lifestyle ideals. So where are they? Are they intimidated like me? Do they feel uncomfortable in speaking out or being active in their community because of the stark contrast in how they live their lives and practice their kink? I know I have been. But not anymore. This is who I am. This is what I want. This is my own personal brand of kink and it suits me just fine. It's time I was a little louder about that.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Rape Me? 30 Days of Kink - Day 15
For now I'm skipping Days 13 and 14 because this one is so very timely I can't focus on any of the others until I write about it.
Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
I've never considered myself an "edge player". One night I let someone I trust light me on fire and I realized then I had it in me to push personal boundaries and when I did it was exhilarating. There are times I will try something completely out of character and comfort zone just to see how I feel and what my response is. I've learned huge amounts about myself by taking risks that way. Likewise, I've never applied the word "taboo" to any kind of play, scene, or interest of mine in terms of kink. Until now.
For the past few months I've had lingering thoughts and fantasies about rape. Just using the word gives me pause. I often ask myself "Is that the right word to use? Is that really what I mean?" My heart races at the idea both because it excites and terrifies me. Brief glimpses into that energy mid-scene or during sex where I struggle and he fights back and forces me to submit to exactly what he wants only serve to increase my interest. There are moments where his actions scare me and I know by his response he sees and senses that fear and it propels us into a deeper place. But how deep? Where does it really lead? This isn't about giving submission or even being in on what's about to happen. It's about zero control- a concept I am not very familiar with.
My mind goes wild when I try and play out how it might happen and how I might respond but I find myself in such completely foreign territory I don't know where to go from here. I feel like there are questions to be asked, emotional triggers to be considered, and a serious focus on preparation for the unknown. At this point I'm reaching out to those with experience and asking questions, hoping for some wise advice and the courage to continue down this path.
Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
I've never considered myself an "edge player". One night I let someone I trust light me on fire and I realized then I had it in me to push personal boundaries and when I did it was exhilarating. There are times I will try something completely out of character and comfort zone just to see how I feel and what my response is. I've learned huge amounts about myself by taking risks that way. Likewise, I've never applied the word "taboo" to any kind of play, scene, or interest of mine in terms of kink. Until now.
For the past few months I've had lingering thoughts and fantasies about rape. Just using the word gives me pause. I often ask myself "Is that the right word to use? Is that really what I mean?" My heart races at the idea both because it excites and terrifies me. Brief glimpses into that energy mid-scene or during sex where I struggle and he fights back and forces me to submit to exactly what he wants only serve to increase my interest. There are moments where his actions scare me and I know by his response he sees and senses that fear and it propels us into a deeper place. But how deep? Where does it really lead? This isn't about giving submission or even being in on what's about to happen. It's about zero control- a concept I am not very familiar with.
My mind goes wild when I try and play out how it might happen and how I might respond but I find myself in such completely foreign territory I don't know where to go from here. I feel like there are questions to be asked, emotional triggers to be considered, and a serious focus on preparation for the unknown. At this point I'm reaching out to those with experience and asking questions, hoping for some wise advice and the courage to continue down this path.
Monday, March 14, 2011
30 Days of Kink! Days 11 & 12 - ethics and humor.
Doubling up to catch up!
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I want to have something deep and insightful to say here. I really do. But for me it's really simple and pretty much my ethic, moral, and personal code: Don't hurt someone unless they ask you to.
I could type for hours on what that means to me but I prefer to leave it open to interpretation.
Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.
Honestly, many of my kink experiences are funny. I can't remember the last time I didn't laugh during a scene. It's the greatest catharsis to laugh through pain. I'm blessed to be with an insanely snarky man who will keep me laughing hysterically while he beats my ass numb.
Once in a while though, something goes altogether wrong and while it may not be entirely funny at the moment it usually is in hindsight. The most recent event would have to be my most brilliant idea to bind K's cock in bondage tape. I love love love CBT and pretty much any pain or discomfort I can inflict and get away with I will jump on. I feel like a crazed artist on one too many absinthe cocktails creating my masterpiece of cords, clamps, clips, weights, and bindings. On this particular evening I thought it would be delicious torture to mummify his cock in black bondage tape and watch it swell and push against the binding as I smacked his clothespin covered balls with my hands. Awesome right?! Not so much. At least not when it's time to remove said bondage tape and you discover it just doesn't want to come off and you've not left enough space to get the safety scissors well...safely...in there. Oh the torture when I finally had to admit defeat and let him complete the painful removal process.
Funny as hell now though. Sorry honey.
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I want to have something deep and insightful to say here. I really do. But for me it's really simple and pretty much my ethic, moral, and personal code: Don't hurt someone unless they ask you to.
I could type for hours on what that means to me but I prefer to leave it open to interpretation.
Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.
Honestly, many of my kink experiences are funny. I can't remember the last time I didn't laugh during a scene. It's the greatest catharsis to laugh through pain. I'm blessed to be with an insanely snarky man who will keep me laughing hysterically while he beats my ass numb.
Once in a while though, something goes altogether wrong and while it may not be entirely funny at the moment it usually is in hindsight. The most recent event would have to be my most brilliant idea to bind K's cock in bondage tape. I love love love CBT and pretty much any pain or discomfort I can inflict and get away with I will jump on. I feel like a crazed artist on one too many absinthe cocktails creating my masterpiece of cords, clamps, clips, weights, and bindings. On this particular evening I thought it would be delicious torture to mummify his cock in black bondage tape and watch it swell and push against the binding as I smacked his clothespin covered balls with my hands. Awesome right?! Not so much. At least not when it's time to remove said bondage tape and you discover it just doesn't want to come off and you've not left enough space to get the safety scissors well...safely...in there. Oh the torture when I finally had to admit defeat and let him complete the painful removal process.
Funny as hell now though. Sorry honey.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
30 Days of Kink! Day 10 (I am the worst blogger EVER)
No it has not been 2 months since my last post! Shame! At this rate it will take me all year to get through these 30 days. Pathetic. Ok, ok...on with it.
Day 10 - What are your hard limits?
Someone I once bottomed to said "It's silly to list children and animals as hard limits because that's just too obvious." I agreed with him at the time and then I met a guy who REALLY loved his dog. So at the risk of being obvious- no kids, no animals. Yikes.
Personally, I prefer "current limits" because I participate in activities now that would have had me running for the hills a year ago. Things like medical staples on my breasts and my latest shocker- clover clamps on my labia, are things in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined I'd say yes to trying, let alone enjoying.
I'm learning that there's a certain thrill seeking part of me that enjoys that zing of fear and panic when trying something new and even more enjoys the feeling of accomplishment when it's over. It's a very physical sensation like swimming for the surface in the deep end of the pool and running out of air half a second before you reach the top. The grip of fear followed by the immediate release is just bad ass. No other way to say it.
I've got a list of things I've yet to try and a couple trusted folks just waiting for me to be brave. Might be time to jump into the deep end soon.
Day 10 - What are your hard limits?
Someone I once bottomed to said "It's silly to list children and animals as hard limits because that's just too obvious." I agreed with him at the time and then I met a guy who REALLY loved his dog. So at the risk of being obvious- no kids, no animals. Yikes.
Personally, I prefer "current limits" because I participate in activities now that would have had me running for the hills a year ago. Things like medical staples on my breasts and my latest shocker- clover clamps on my labia, are things in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined I'd say yes to trying, let alone enjoying.
I'm learning that there's a certain thrill seeking part of me that enjoys that zing of fear and panic when trying something new and even more enjoys the feeling of accomplishment when it's over. It's a very physical sensation like swimming for the surface in the deep end of the pool and running out of air half a second before you reach the top. The grip of fear followed by the immediate release is just bad ass. No other way to say it.
I've got a list of things I've yet to try and a couple trusted folks just waiting for me to be brave. Might be time to jump into the deep end soon.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
30 Days of Kink! Days 8 & 9 Oh my!
Post a kinky image you find erotic.
I've been thinking a lot about femdom this week. This picture represents the power I feel and the helplessness I get off on when I'm on top.
Taken from here
Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Hot Hot Hot
I really think this song needs no explanation.
I've been thinking a lot about femdom this week. This picture represents the power I feel and the helplessness I get off on when I'm on top.
Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Hot Hot Hot
I really think this song needs no explanation.
Monday, January 17, 2011
30 Days of Kink- Double My Pleasure Days 6 & 7
Ok I admit I'm cheating by doing these two at a time but I'm never going to get to 30 otherwise! So spank me!
Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
I don't know if this is weird but I have this scene fantasy I call Willy Wonka Kink. I picture myself tied to a table, my breasts bound and then frosted and sprinkled like cupcakes. Flogged with a licorice whip flogger, spanked with a giant lollipop and violated with one of those giant candy canes. Oh and don't forget the jawbreaker ball gag! Any takers??
What’s your favorite toy?
For personal use, my Hitachi of course. I think I'm on my third one in 10 years. Can't live without it. We haven't incorporated it into play much but I mean to change that.
For play time I'd have to say my favorite toy is my pink and purple flogger. I love to use it and have it used on me. It's cute as can be, crafted beautifully by friends, and delivers a delicious strike. It was a birthday gift at my first Thunder and I adore it.
Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
I don't know if this is weird but I have this scene fantasy I call Willy Wonka Kink. I picture myself tied to a table, my breasts bound and then frosted and sprinkled like cupcakes. Flogged with a licorice whip flogger, spanked with a giant lollipop and violated with one of those giant candy canes. Oh and don't forget the jawbreaker ball gag! Any takers??
What’s your favorite toy?
For personal use, my Hitachi of course. I think I'm on my third one in 10 years. Can't live without it. We haven't incorporated it into play much but I mean to change that.
For play time I'd have to say my favorite toy is my pink and purple flogger. I love to use it and have it used on me. It's cute as can be, crafted beautifully by friends, and delivers a delicious strike. It was a birthday gift at my first Thunder and I adore it.
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